Comme d’habitude, I missed the peak of week to blog. I always blog when I am at the pit of my emotions. And today, I do want to talk about why I ended up being at the bottom of my mood.
I had a conversation with my parents last night, a long one, but a really unhappy one. My parents never gave me the “I got your back” feeling. I need to always be careful when I want to say something. What’s worse is that my parents always think that’s my problem. Well, it is my problem, for the most part. But there gotta be something with both of us.
I don’t know when this started, maybe ever since I left home. Well, it could be one of the reasons I chose to leave. For a few months, I thought I grew up and can finally communicate with my parents like usual. But these few times I just keep getting mad at them. (maybe same on their side too) Sometimes I wonder is it really because I am too young that once I had all the experience they had, we’ll be good, or we are destined to be like this, even time cannot solve the problem?
Of course, I am not here talking about my family since that should be something I keep in my private diary. I am here to argue for two things.
- Don’t pretend nothing happened and blamed it on me.
- Don’t give other people a chance to judge me.
Life is a mixture of opinions.
We live under gossip, rumors, news feed, and all sources about other people. Sometimes I feel so lost under the big environment that I just want to lock myself in a cabin and do my things. Sometimes, you are even surprised about how much you care about other people’s stuff. Do you really care? No, you don’t. You just wanna sit there and watch, like a tv show.
We are often influenced by other people’s sayings. Even if you know that what you did is 100% correct, a different opinion would very much likely distract you. Social conformity is what people use to define this weird phenomenon. Every one says that you need to live your life but when you really do live your life, others think you are a weirdo.
That is not my life but somehow I can imagine how other people see me and judge me from behind. You can stop that from happening because if no one is commenting on you from behind, that means no one even remembers you. Humans are born to judge and comment. We are individualized. The best way you can protect yourself is to not think about this kind of stuff.
Most of the times, the so-called stress are really imposed by ourselves. We are mostly complaining about something that we put on our own. We chose to stress out and we hate stress. And when you are trying to imagining other people judging you, you are wasting unnecessary time and energy.
Social life is something I am bad at ever since I was a kid. I hate the way people behave, the way they disguise themselves to be someone nice and optimistic, who are actually nasty. They pretend to like someone because that someone has something they want. It’s not just in my city, it’s everywhere. Everyone’s trying to do something to please others. It is not a bad thing and I admit that sometimes I do that as well. But thinking about it after everything’s over, what have I done?
My mom asked me yesterday, how many friends do you have? Do you ever think someone will judge you under your back? Do you have more Chinese friends or domestic friends? I hate those questions. What do they even mean? If I have a lot of friends, that doesn’t represent my happiness and networking. If I am sure someone will judge me from the back, I cannot do anything to stop them. What does it even mean for me to have more Chinese friends than American friends? When I get mad, my mom said that, you don’t let me ask you this, don’t let me ask that, what can I ask you then? Well, don’t ask, don’t judge, just listen.
I bet they are regretting the choice of sending me abroad again, like always. I am glad that it’s my parents who asked me these questions. At least I can be mad at them and let them know that I am not in a mood of answering those questions. If it’s others who asked me this, I can’t really get pissed in front of them because I need to be a nice little princess.
At the same time, my parents are trying to ask me about my social life. What kind of activities I am interested in. Which clubs did I participate, where did I wear my nice and formal dress. They are always guessing and they want to get my confirmation about their guess. I won’t say, like always.
I do feel like I am being too harsh to my parents. Not letting them ask anything other than general study questions, not even grades. They are not allowed to ask for my GPA in any kind unless I offer to tell them. At the same time, I told them to not discuss any of my things with their friends or other people.
To be honest, I can’t even understand myself cuz I like to talk to people and talk about my life, social or study. I mostly don’t even mention about courses but about the clubs or other outside class thing. It’s just that when it comes to parents, I have a hutch that I can’t tell them that.
I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with me? Am I being too harsh, or are they pushing me too hard. Somehow I wish that I have siblings who I can talk to and also distract my parents’ focus from me a little bit. I hate it when they offer opinions because I just can’t stop but going against them.
Am I stressing myself too much by hiding from them?
I need an outlet somehow but I can’t find one. I am drained.
Anyway, I don’t know how did the writing come back to my parents. It’s just the fact that i am being too sad about yesterday’s call and aimless about future. They made me feel like nothing while I am something.
I spend too much time thinking about other people’s opinions. It’s good when you don’t care but people always think you are indifferent when you don’t care. The reason I delete all my social media accounts is because I don’t want to judge other people and I don’t want to be judged by other people. I was exhausted trying to showing the best of me in social media accounts and care so much about how other people think of me. I also trying to know about other people’s life while reading their moments. Most importantly, I am comparing my life and their life.
Nobody wants to be the inferior one but somehow it’s nothing that you can compare. You live two completely different lives. There’s no point for comparing. But I will find some way to. I want proof that I am having a better life even though it sounds as stupid as it is. I am committing suicide by letting myself compete everyday. I chose to quit since that’s the only way I can live without worry.
[Okay, all of the above is bulls*** since the only reason I deleted social apps is because I don’t want to waste time on that. I am way too busy to look at them while I am addicted to social media apps and my phone.]
so how does that sound? We live a life under so much influence but we are trying to find our shadow in it. You do have a shadow because really, if you don’t have one, then everyone else won’t have one. Humans are the same. If we’re all soulless, we are not gonna affect each other. We have our personalities. Just that it’s sometimes more shown off, sometimes more like hidden treasure.
Have a great weekend!